Oh wow - I didn't realize it'd been quite that long.....haha.  And the reason I'm updating now is cause I feel like I need to vent.....and I never know quite how my venting is going to come out, so if it makes no sense just bear with me.  =)

Ugh - so okay, for one I'm frustrated with work and I don't exactly know why.  I mean, I really do enjoy my job, so I know it's probably just one of my mood swings.  But to start, my manager scheduled me for Sunday morning and she knows I don't work Sundays - so now if I can't find someone, is it morally better to show up at work or refuse to miss church?  And I just generally hate being there sometimes....when you find what's really fulfilling sometimes it's hard to stand being in an atmosphere like Friendlys with people who are blinded to the way they are living and desperately need Jesus in their lives.  I know, I know.....you're probably saying "God has you there for a reason!"  And it's not that I necessarily think He doesn't......but I really don't think I'm making as much of a difference as I should be, and much of the time it's because I honestly don't know what to say or how to respond to them.  And sometimes.....sometimes I'm just too scared or ashamed, which makes me scared and ashamed of myself. 

Also, I'm going to HACC this fall for sure now.....I'll be going for my Associates in Arts and Humanities which is basically my start towards a 4-year degree in Professional Writing or English.  But to be honest.....I don't really want to go.  It's not that I think I'll hate college itself.....it's just that I feel like it's tearing me away from the things and people that I love - and I can't stand it.  I have to leave DRAMA, which is a lot harder than I thought.  And it's that DRAMA itself is necessarily my dream, but discipleship and ministry IS, and I have found a wonderful discipleship network within DRAMA that doesn't seem quite so common other places.  Plus God has brought me so many close friends through DRAMA, and though I'm not leaving them, it will take a lot more effort to keep in contact and discipling will be much harder simply because it will take tons more personal discipline, which I am terrible at.  And I get jealous of people who get to be so focused on ministry and missions work....I want it with all my heart, and though I'm sure part of it's selfish, I want it more than I want almost anything....*sigh* I don't know.....I'm just having one of those moments where I'm feeling so trapped and dissatisfied with life right now.....

And I know I'm not content where God has me and I so desperately need to be.  I'm going to end up wishing I didn't wish so much time away....God has me where I am for a reason, but I have so many desires violently raging through my heart and I don't know what to do with them.  I've tried surrendering....but what does surrendering really mean?  What do you do with desires and thoughts that don't go away?  Ignore them?  What do you do with something that is not wrong, but that God has chosen not to give you yet?  How do you know if and when it is His will?  So a part of me is drowning in passion....and a part of me is suffocated by apathy.  I don't care about some things or people like I used to....and it scares me.  I've just gotten so used to God not changing anything, especially in my family, and I end up just pushing it aside or ignoring it because I don't have the time or energy to spend on it/them when so many other things are pulling at me.  I get frustrated by His silence.  I believe, I seek, but I don't hear Him like I want to, I want to fall in love with Him - not just the kind of love we talk about in Sunday school either.  Not a quaint, good Christian, "Jesus loves me" type of love - a love so violent, so passionate that I crave time with my Creator as much as the air I breathe and the food I eat.  Literally.  But I feel so incapable of seeking Him enough to get that - for why should He give Himself to me if I don't pursue Him?  But how do I seek Him in a world that screams and vies for my attention, that fills my mind with so much when I DO try to talk to My Father I can hardly seem to focus.  Where has our passion gone?  Why are our churches filled with such mediocre Christianity that stuffs itself and starves the world?  Why are there so many broken souls on the very pews of our churchs?  Why do we not see them?  We are blind,  we are apathetic, we are content - and it is killing us. 

I guess that is part of the reason I don't want to go to college....I want to continue discipling, I want to help put broken people back together, I want to comfort the orphans, love the children tossed away by the world, rescue those whose spirits are dying.  And yet it can't be me anyway....I can't be their hero or their best friend even though that's what I desperately want.  I have to realize only Jesus can do or be that, and that my job is not to take ME to them, but to take HIM to them. 

Wow.  Okay, that's enough for now.......if u really read all that I'm impressed.....

Love always and forever,

Meely